Lina, 35
Submitted Sep 11, 2006
Have never met my father Lina has never met her father
Would like to meet my father Lina would like to meet her father
Try to contact my father, no reply Lina tried to contact her father, but recieved no reply
My mother had a so called "one night stand" with my father when I was made. She tried to make him responsible for me in court but she failed. By that time there was no DNA technique and they couldn't decide fathership of a child to more than 62%. We had that percent, but since he denied and there had been other men around at the same time he won the process. Nowadays he refuses to talk to me, saying this matter has been cleared once and for all. There has never been another father to replace him since my mother decided to remain alone.

I was 20 years old when I asked my mother about him for the first time. She has never told me anything, except that he lives in Gothenburg, and I have had the feeling it's something we shouldn't be talking about. I can see now that I have taken her bad concious on my shoulders, and haven't allowed my needs to be expressed. I kind of protected her by not questioning her about him and made her guilt mine.

I never allowed myself to miss him or love him. He was just something I was unworhty. I have been full of guilt and shame and always had the feeling I am not worthy his love. On the other hand, my only wish when I was little was to sit in his lap being loved. In relations this appears like a bad mantra. I am afraid of open up my love to men. I rather close my heart in order not being hurt. At the same time I have always been searching for confirmation with men, I want to be seen, and have had relationships since I was 14.

What I have realised recently is that I am still waiting for my father, although I understand that I might never find out who he is. It is like an endless waiting and it doesn't help me much in relationships. It makes you a kind of victim, just waiting and waiting with no own needs but being loved by your father.

The most important to me has been to see all this and to accept it as it is. To accept my sorrow and longing and love for my father. To see that it is OK, I have the right to feel like this. It has been a healing to me. Although we have been denied our fathers, in one way or another, we have our rights to express our needs and feelings, that noone can take away from us!
1 comment:
Dec 05, 2006, Naomi Hansen wrote:
Hi Lina,
Thank you for sharing your history and truth. I am 27 years old and like you I have not given up hope of meeting my father someday. You story inspires me to keep searching, not to fill a sense of emptiness, but to share my fullness.
Thank you,
Naomi