My father was 18 when I was born in 1973.
My parents never really planned a child, it was just one of those things. They had known each other for 3 months when my mother found out she was pregnant. Abortion was not free yet, but was about to become free in the coming months. However,they kept me. My mother claims she wanted to have me. My father apparently said he wanted her to have me too, but I donÂ't think he ever considered what it meant to be a father. And he was too young.
Their relationship was stormy and even though I donÂ't remember much of it (they separated when I was 11 months) I know they didnÂ't have a happy and peaceful relationship. Far from it.

I donÂ't know if my father tried to keep contact and mom pushed him away or if he never even tried. But the following years he showed up maybe once or twice a year,argued with my mother and left. Sometimes he brought a gift for me,sometimes he didnÂ't bother.
When the doorbell rang during sunday morning breakfast,she told me to be quiet and even if it probably was just kids selling newspapers door-to-door, she didnÂ't want to risk to find out dad was standing outside wanting to see me. So,after all, she probably did her part in pushing him away.

Between 1980 and 1988 I only met him about 4 times all in all. He apppeared to not want me to become a part of his life. Made some promises,never kept them. I told my schoolmates that my father was dead. It proved to be less embarassing for me than telling them he didnÂ't want to see me. Of course there were kids with divorced parents, but their dads took them out every weekend and showed up,sometimes with new families, on school plays and christmas gatherings. My father never did. I didnÂ't want to ask mom,she merely called him names and told me he was a pitiful excuse for a father anyway,so I was better off without him.

I grew up. He showed up at my graduation day in 1992. We argued. I was bitter and he slipped away,again. He told me he never ever wanted to be blamed for anything again,that he didnÂ't want me to call him dad, demand anything from him and that we were better off not coming too close to one another. I refused to accept it. I wanted an explaination as to why he didnÂ't try harder, why he slipped away, why I wasnÂ't good enough for him. I was angry. I was confused.
My mother told me again he wasnÂ't worth the effort. Life went on.

So...here I am. I have met my father a few times since 1992. I have kids of my own.They have met him once,two years ago. He made some promises,was outgoing and appeared to be happy with his life. My kids liked him.But then he went away...again. HavenÂ't seen him since.

My aunt says heÂ's working in Norway and apparently heÂ's living the carefree life he always preferred. I donÂ't know if I did anything wrong,I tried to be the happy,non-bitter,undemanding daughter he wanted me to be.I donÂ't know if I will see him again, I have however decided NOT to try to contact him again. Mostly because I donÂ't want him to confuse my kids by repeating his behavior, now as a come-and-go grandfather,but also because IÂ'm tired of hurting myself over and over again.
IÂ'm still sad for being a lost daughter. I still want to know why.
But I canÂ't let him have an impact on my life anymore. IÂ'm happy in my own family, with my kids,my husband. But somewhere, IÂ'll always wonder why I wasnÂ't good enough to call him "daddy".

2 comments:

Hej!
Såg att du bodde i alingsås, så hoppas du pratar svenska:P..
Ville bara sÃ¥ga att jag är i samma situation igentligen fast yngre. Jag bara undra hur du kunde leva ditt liv utan han=?Â'Hur du klarade den Ã¥ngesten man fÃ¥r? Jag är 15 och har det jätte jobbigt och jag gÃ¥r hos kurator och massa saker för att glömma. Vill inte belasta dig med frÃ¥gor, sorry.. Men nÃ¥gra förslag?..

You didnÂ't do anthing wrong. Some people just canÂ't handle love. But you can.
Best of luck.