I have always known my father lived in Italy with a new family. I have known about the story with mum and him. A short sexact and no love between them. When my mum found out she was pregnant she contacted him but he refused to accept me until I was 7. I met him for the first time when I was 13. I guess he tried and so did I but meeting him once a year with all pain of separation from him was terrible.

We had to speak english and came from different culture so we have never really got to know eachother. His biggest harm to me is that he denies me, my relatives in Italy thinks Im a friends daugter. Once he asked me why my mother didnt make abortion instead. So I feel that in his heart Im not his daugter. He feel ashame of me, and it makes me so angry that I have thoughts of letting him go. Telling him how much he still hurts me and then telling him to pretend im dead. But then suddenly im so afraid, the little girl says: dont give up, maybe he will love you some day.

I need help to let go... im so tired after all these years.. hate, love all confused feelings. Im sure my pain and lost of dad (I have never been able to call him dad) have made me what I am today. My relation to men have been terrible. Never felt good enough for them, terrified of goodbyes, that they will leave me. So insecure, alone.
My children ask about him and in my heart I wish he could be proud of me so I can tell my children he loves us.

1 comment:

Why?        Why do you need him? I think youÂ'll do well without him. Love your children, and love yourself.