I donÂ't really understand how my dads mind work, it is so strange and that makes me to blame myself. The cuestion that constantly runs around in my mind is "what if i did something wrong?".

No I know that it is not my fault, but IÂ'm not always that convinced. In my dark moments I scream out in pain. I have a hole in my heart.

My mum divorced my dad when I was only a year.
She packed and moved from Poland to Sweden and here we stayed.
I met my dad first when I was 8. We went to Poland and met him and my granny for 3 hours. I donÂ't remember much but i do recall that he was really happy to see me. They huegd me a lot.

When I was twelve I met him a seccond time. My mom arranged for me to travel to Poland alone and to stay with him for a month.
I was in seventh heaven. We had contact by letters and I did get gifts for birthdays and christmas. I couldÂ'nt stay with him (and his new wife) because they didnÂ't have any space, he said. It was ok, I was so nervous, living with my granny and granddad seemed quite nice.

After a week dad took me to camp in the gorgeous Polish mountains, I totally fell in love with him, he was perfekt. On our way we sometimes stopped to look at some old castle or to look at iterresting geological sites. My dad is an geologist, an educated and responseble man, I thought.

After our trip I mostly spent time with my grandparents scinse he didnÂ't have a lot of time off work.I also had good contact with his sister and her sons, she is my godmother.

Third time I met him was when I was fifteen, I stayed for another month with his parents, playing with my cousins each day. I hardly saw my dad, he was working wery hard. I started to feel that something was wrong, I thought that he should have more time to see me.

I have not met him scinse then.
He just stopped contacting me, stopped to write. This betrayal, as I se it, does not only include my dad. I didnÂ't hear anything from my grandparents or my godmother. What could a 15 year old child that didnÂ't wany anything else but their love do?

They liked me so much, I felt like a had a whole family, I felt so good.

In 2 occasions later I hawe contacted my father. When I was 17 I stayed over christmas at my moms cousin in Warsaw. I called dad and my grandparents on christmas evening, to wish them happy holidays. They where so happy to heare from me. I felt only love in their voices. I reminded them, delicately, that my birthday was the next day, I was scared to death that they wouldnÂ't call. I told them also the time I was staying in Warsaw and that perhaps we could meet. That didnÂ't seem as a problem.

No one called the next day. My bithday was ruined.

I called them about three times more durin my stay, I wanted them to give me a day when I could come and visit. During these days grandad where in hospital and they said that they had to take care of him so much. They never returned my calls.

I felt so humiliated, I was so confused. Four adoults turning their back on me, what did I do wrong?

The last time I called dad was when I had moved to Poland to work for two years. I had so many questions! But when he answered the phone and said "hi honey!" I was the same 12 year old girl just adoring him. He seemed so happy that I had moved to Poland. I gave him my adres and numbers and gave him a last chance. IÂ'm still waiting for a call.

This story made my brain go crazy, I have batteled with my bad confidence for so long. I had problems with my mother at home as well and my stepdad hated me. I was and am a talented person (I can say that now) but IÂ'ts like I cannot do anything for myself. I hated myself, from being a happy lively child I started lo lock myself in my room and imagine a diferent life.

It has now been seven years scince I heard his voice. I have made attempts to see him but I wasnÂ't strong enough. IÂ'we promised myself to learn from this and try to be strong. The most important thing for me is that I find a partner that no matter what happens between us always will take care of his children. And I have fond him, he is my best friend and I am so lucky.

Now IÂ'm ready to face my father, Im going back to Poland in may. This time I wonÂ't accept any excuses, this time IÂ'm strong.

Wish me luck!

2 comments:

Hej Karina!
Jag arbetar pÃ¥ ett produktionsbolag som heter TV Inter.Â'
Jag skulle vilja göra en intervju med dig.
Kan inte du maila mig?
/ Malin

Hello!

I read your story and I have a similar bound to my father. IÂ'm a documentary filmmaker from Finland, and planning to make my examproject in form of a documetary about daughers who have bad memories and stories about theirs fathers. Of course all the persons in the film can be anynomous. Would you be interested in sharing your story to the world? please contact me if u are! best regards Eva Fyrqvist