During my first 5 years me, my brother and my mother lived with my father. My parents always fought. My dad always drank and smoked, so at least half the time he was drunk and different. And he did some awful things to his family.  In 2003 my mum filed a divorce against him and we moved away. I saw him a few times after that. When I was 7 I saw him for the last time. After that he did not really contact me. When I was under the age of 10 I never really felt pain of his absents. But then it started to hurt and when I became 13 the pain was so terrible.  And in august 2012, when I was 14 he died. At that point there were so many feelings. Today I'm not crying because that he's dead, I have never grieved the person that was my dad but I have been crying of the reason that he was not a father to me. Just an alcoholic.