When I was a little girl, I was daddyÂ's girl. But when I turned 11 and started to become a woman, he started to be mean to me. He said that I was fat(even if I werenÂ't). He hurted me and my older sisters with emotional assault.When I was 14 my parents split up. My dad was no longer a nice man, he was so mean.

Mom, my sister and I moved out for six months, during that time we didnÂ't have any contact. He had other women allready.

After six months, when the divorce was over, dad moved out and mom and i and my sister moved back home. I canÂ't explain the sadness I felt at that moment in words. It felt so weird to be back home knowing that dad would never come back home again. I lost him physically. About a year later we had some contact, and I stayed a night at his apartment with him and his new girlfriend. But it felt weird. Last semester in high school he told me that heÂ'd move abroad. I couldnÂ't handel it, I started crying at school. It felt like a lost him again. And then he was out of my life again.
Time went on and thereÂ's no real contact. All of the sudden at my 20th birthday he shows up at home, with his new fiance and her daughter and their newborn babygirl, expecting to get coffe and cake.It felt so strange...

He has hurted me and my sisters so much emotionally. IÂ've hated him, IÂ've loved him, IÂ've tried to forgive him...but IÂ've been let down too many times by dad. He has never shown any sign that he loves us.

My oldest sister has tried to have some contact with dad but he never asked how they are, and he doesnÂ't even care about his grandchildren. He doesnÂ't want to have anything to do with neither of us. To me itÂ's fine, cos I feel better about myself when I donÂ't have anything to do with him.
If I have children, I donÂ't want him to see them. I donÂ't want him to hurt them the way heÂ's hurted us.
Sometimes I wish he was dead, cos it would be easier. But at the same time would I like to ask him...why he doesnÂ't love us? why he doesnÂ't care?

This is so hard to write...it hurts to talk about it. I never felt loved by dad...and for too many years IÂ've felt that IÂ'm not worth love. Today IÂ'm working my ass of to change that feeling. I hate to feel this way, to feel ashamed, not worthy, not worth loving.

IÂ'm afraid of getting too close to people,IÂ'm afraid of being abandoned like dad abandoned us when we needed him the most. I hate that IÂ'm crying when I tell my story, heÂ's not worth it.  

IÂ'll end this story with a poem IÂ've written..

En saknad ingrodd i min själ
för alltid där.
En saknad som alltid kommer
att gråta.
En saknad som alltid kommer att
fråga samma frågor igen och igen.
Men inga svar kan få,
ingen tröst.
En saknad ingrodd i min själ
för alltid bosatt i min själ...
tack vare dej!

2 comments:

Dear Sister!
I Can truly feel youÂ're pain.. Your story is so similar to mine. And there is no worse feeling than to feel unloved by the person that is supposed to love you the most. And it sucks, because it ruins your life, maybe forever.. Trusting people. Get your own children.. Telling others,,,
I donÂ't tell, im afraid that people will think iÂ'm the same person as He, and iÂ'm NOT!!!
Feel free to e-mail or something anytime!
Take care of yourself!
Love Bojan

Hello!

I read your story and I have a similar bound to my father. I´m a documentary filmmaker from Finland, and planning to make my examproject in form of a documetary about daughers who have bad memories and stories about theirs fathers. Of course all the persons in the film can be anynomous. Would you be interested in sharing your story to the world? please contact me if u are! best regards Eva Fyrqvist