I do not come from "normal", so how can I be normal?
Normal for me is to feel safe, loved and to belive enough in yourself, that you can finish an education and get a suitable job. And since you belive that much in yourself you are also capable enough to get the love of your life and adorable children. Is that normal? I don't know, becouse my "normal" is far from it.

I grew up with my father until the age of 6. Then my mother finally kicked him out. I remember I cried, not becouse I wanted him back in the house, but becouse I wanted to have a normal family. I felt like a ufo.

Through many years I have kept wondering why he is so bad, why he did all those things that he did to us and if he evan feel sorry for it. Did he cry at night for not having us beside him? I wish he did. But I know now that he was justifying his actions and did not understand why he got kicked out.

He justifies him being violent towards my mother, my sisters and me. He justifies situations like throwing my mother out in the snow, just in her underwear, in front of us children and then locking the door. Just to feel that he has the power. He justifies being unfaithful. And yes he has evan told me about it, how nice it was with that other woman. He justifies raping my mother ("luckally" not in front of us children!). And he justifies that he didn't evan fight for us children, when they separated. Well today I am happy for not have lived with him more than six years of my life, but the pain of having a father who doesn't care about me, who doesn't give a shit if I'm dead or alive...well that pain will never leave. Evan though I one day will feel better about myself and get the strengh to belive in myself.

It hurts that when I ask him for help, he turns me down in the most terrible ways, or demand me to thank him with kissing his shoes. He wants power and have no clue what true love is. His money is so important to him, evan though he might have little of it. Now he has a lot, becouse grandma died. He cried, he did. But why? The day after he send me a picture of one of her paintings, that he was going to sell. And I have never seen the money that I got from my grandmother. But I don't care about the money, I care of his actions. That it is a fact that he can let me walk the streets with no place to go and buy himself a new car! And still sleep weel at night.

Sometimes I feel calm when I think of him dead. Becouse then I know that he can no longer give me pain. But he is not dead, he lives in his "glory" and so I have desided not to have any contact with him any more. He just disapoints me.
I have tried. I have been there for him when he needed me (he was sad that his girl took off) and I hoped that he would give me his love for it. But he didn't evan say "thank you". The fact is that he more likely ecpected it from me. I have duties towards him, but he has none when it comes to me.

There is so much to say...I have started to write about this. Thats a good thing. It's not that I feel that I'm worthless, I do belive that I have something pressuos inside of me. It's just that I feel that evan though that I carry a treasure, I am not normal enough to be accepted to use it. Only normal people may play in the normal world. I am just accepted to watch it.

Thank you for reading my words.

Better to be normal - Betty Normal

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