Therese, 25
Jag heter Erika Àr 22 och bor ocksÄ i Göteborg och befinner mig i en vÀldigt liknande situation som du. Min pappa Àr ocksÄ alkholist och tar droger. Jag fick reda pÄ det för ca tvÄ Är sedan. Innan var han tablettmissbrukare. NÀr jag var liten var min pappa lite mer "normal" och försökte dÄ och dÄ agera pappa. Men nu Àr allt bara konstigt. NÀr jag fick reda pÄ vad han höll pÄ med började han ringa och sÀga jobbiga saker mitt i natten och sÄ vidare. Om du vill sÄ fÄr du gÀrna höra av dig om du vill ha nÄgon att diskutera och prata med och Àlta lite jobbiga pappor... :)
Kram
Erika
Med vÀnliga hÀlsningar Erika
Submitted Jun 19, 2006
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Therese decided not to stay in contact with her father |
When I was two or three years old my mother moved away from my father to another city.
My father came to visit me and my brother sometime. Just for one day at christmas and when we had birthdays and so on. He was always so kind to us and we were very happy when he came.
We really didÂ'nt understood why we couldnÂ't stay at our fathers place sometimes...At first my mother told us that daddy had problems with alcohol- he drank too much. We bought that and loved him eventhough- he was so nice to us.
At some point- I donÂ't remember when- my mother told us that our father used to hit her when they lived together. It was even harder to understand- but we bought it because he was nice to us and he would never do so again.
All of this was a big secret to everybody I knew. I never told anyone and I didnÂ't thought so much about it. It was just the way it was, kind of.
Then we grew up and in my early teenage my father started to call sometimes when he was drunk. At first it didnt mattered to me- he was nice and said nice things eventhough he was drunk. And to be an alcoholic is an illness so I just felt sorry for him.
When I had my 14th birthday my father didnt came to visit us. The day he should come he had a hangover (or was drunk-I donÂ't know). I was so so sad. But I loved him in spite of everything. He was just ill, right?
In my 16th year my father started to sound more and more strange in the phone. He said strange things and he started to talk shit about my mom. I went angry at him and hung up the phone.
At some point we heard that he was in psyhciatric jail, but we didnÂ't know why. My mother told us that he had been to jail before because he had driven cars when he was drunk. (And later on I knew a lot of his criminal records - and he isnÂ't nice.)
I loved him in spite of everything, but a few years later, when he started to call my mother a hore when he spoke to me in phone, when he started to talk shit about me, and I hung up again - and all the things he had done to my mom started to get clearer. I felt anger against him most of all. But I loved him in spite of everything.
My dad started to be more and more confusing in the phone. He was always drunk when he called- and even when he wasent drunk- he sounded drunk. And he didnt listtened to what I said- he just talked. We thougt it was the alcohol that had damaged his brain. Later on we heard that he had started with drugs.
When he called me when I was 22 and I refused to give him the money back that he gave me as a gift for the drivinglicens...he said "then you are a hore just like your mother". ThatÂ's the point where I stopped to love my father.
I told him to go to hell and thats the last time IÂ've heard from him.
My brother has some contact with him, he calls my brother once or twice a year. But my father is a psycho. My brother has even met him. I havenÂ't met him since I was 16, even though we live 70km from the city where he lives.
And thatÂ's where I am now.
ItÂ's so depressing to think about the little girl that loved her father. Even though he drank. And now think about the 25 year old woman that accually thinks itÂ's unfair that good daddies are dying in young years when her own, bad, daddy is still alive when he is 60.
Sometimes I feel it would be easier and better for all if he was dead. When I tell people they say that "oh, you donÂ't really meen that" - Â'cause they donÂ't understand that you donÂ't have to love your father.
And how could I? He hit my mother yellow and blue, I know the things why he got to jail, I know how often he is in contact with the police. I know all the things he has said. They donÂ't know and they donÂ't understand.
ItÂ's almost harder not to have a father now than it was when I was younger.
Perhaps itÂ's because back then, it felt like he WAS my father. Now I miss it a lot. And I can feel really sad about not having him. Or more: I can feel really sad about not having A father at all.
When I was younger I didnt think about it so much. He just "was". And I told my friends my father was a mechanic. (Which he was at first.)
It was just a few years ago I started to think that it was OK to tell people about it.
ItÂ's my life and itÂ's not my fault. And itÂ's not my thing to be ashamed of.
I am a lost daughter. Just like you.
My father came to visit me and my brother sometime. Just for one day at christmas and when we had birthdays and so on. He was always so kind to us and we were very happy when he came.
We really didÂ'nt understood why we couldnÂ't stay at our fathers place sometimes...At first my mother told us that daddy had problems with alcohol- he drank too much. We bought that and loved him eventhough- he was so nice to us.
At some point- I donÂ't remember when- my mother told us that our father used to hit her when they lived together. It was even harder to understand- but we bought it because he was nice to us and he would never do so again.
All of this was a big secret to everybody I knew. I never told anyone and I didnÂ't thought so much about it. It was just the way it was, kind of.
Then we grew up and in my early teenage my father started to call sometimes when he was drunk. At first it didnt mattered to me- he was nice and said nice things eventhough he was drunk. And to be an alcoholic is an illness so I just felt sorry for him.
When I had my 14th birthday my father didnt came to visit us. The day he should come he had a hangover (or was drunk-I donÂ't know). I was so so sad. But I loved him in spite of everything. He was just ill, right?
In my 16th year my father started to sound more and more strange in the phone. He said strange things and he started to talk shit about my mom. I went angry at him and hung up the phone.
At some point we heard that he was in psyhciatric jail, but we didnÂ't know why. My mother told us that he had been to jail before because he had driven cars when he was drunk. (And later on I knew a lot of his criminal records - and he isnÂ't nice.)
I loved him in spite of everything, but a few years later, when he started to call my mother a hore when he spoke to me in phone, when he started to talk shit about me, and I hung up again - and all the things he had done to my mom started to get clearer. I felt anger against him most of all. But I loved him in spite of everything.
My dad started to be more and more confusing in the phone. He was always drunk when he called- and even when he wasent drunk- he sounded drunk. And he didnt listtened to what I said- he just talked. We thougt it was the alcohol that had damaged his brain. Later on we heard that he had started with drugs.
When he called me when I was 22 and I refused to give him the money back that he gave me as a gift for the drivinglicens...he said "then you are a hore just like your mother". ThatÂ's the point where I stopped to love my father.
I told him to go to hell and thats the last time IÂ've heard from him.
My brother has some contact with him, he calls my brother once or twice a year. But my father is a psycho. My brother has even met him. I havenÂ't met him since I was 16, even though we live 70km from the city where he lives.
And thatÂ's where I am now.
ItÂ's so depressing to think about the little girl that loved her father. Even though he drank. And now think about the 25 year old woman that accually thinks itÂ's unfair that good daddies are dying in young years when her own, bad, daddy is still alive when he is 60.
Sometimes I feel it would be easier and better for all if he was dead. When I tell people they say that "oh, you donÂ't really meen that" - Â'cause they donÂ't understand that you donÂ't have to love your father.
And how could I? He hit my mother yellow and blue, I know the things why he got to jail, I know how often he is in contact with the police. I know all the things he has said. They donÂ't know and they donÂ't understand.
ItÂ's almost harder not to have a father now than it was when I was younger.
Perhaps itÂ's because back then, it felt like he WAS my father. Now I miss it a lot. And I can feel really sad about not having him. Or more: I can feel really sad about not having A father at all.
When I was younger I didnt think about it so much. He just "was". And I told my friends my father was a mechanic. (Which he was at first.)
It was just a few years ago I started to think that it was OK to tell people about it.
ItÂ's my life and itÂ's not my fault. And itÂ's not my thing to be ashamed of.
I am a lost daughter. Just like you.
3 comments:
Nov 25, 2006, Erikan wrote:
Hej!Jag heter Erika Àr 22 och bor ocksÄ i Göteborg och befinner mig i en vÀldigt liknande situation som du. Min pappa Àr ocksÄ alkholist och tar droger. Jag fick reda pÄ det för ca tvÄ Är sedan. Innan var han tablettmissbrukare. NÀr jag var liten var min pappa lite mer "normal" och försökte dÄ och dÄ agera pappa. Men nu Àr allt bara konstigt. NÀr jag fick reda pÄ vad han höll pÄ med började han ringa och sÀga jobbiga saker mitt i natten och sÄ vidare. Om du vill sÄ fÄr du gÀrna höra av dig om du vill ha nÄgon att diskutera och prata med och Àlta lite jobbiga pappor... :)
Kram
Erika
Dec 03, 2006, Erikan wrote:
Hej,hej hÀr kommer jag igen. HÄller pÄ och frÄgar runt bland alla tjejer som bor i Göteborg, har lite funderingar pÄ att starta upp en lite grupp som ses typ en gÄng i mÄnaden för att fika och prata av sig om pappor och annat. Om du tycker att det skulle kunna vara nÄgot sÄ hör av dig!Med vÀnliga hÀlsningar Erika
Jun 23, 2007, Emma wrote:
Jag kÀnner verkligen igen din situation.. min pappa har gjort samma saker och Àr ocksÄ alkoholist.. jag har ocksÄ valt att inte ha nÄgon kontakt med honom för att han Àr som han Àr.. hoppas du mÄr bra iallafall! SÄ bra som vi kan mÄ, efter allt.