Mayagirl, 30
Submitted Jul 16, 2006
Have never met my father Mayagirl has never met her father
The only thing I have of my father is his lastname.

I was born in Southamerica and the tradition there is that the children take both parents lastname, first the fathers and then the mothers. My lastname means nothing to me. It has no history, no relevance, nothing.

I came to Sweden when I was 2 years old and imediatly attached myself to my closest friend father. She was the same age as me and her father loved her deeply and so I thought if he is that good to her he can be so with me aswell.
God was she jelaous, she hit and bit me as he was her daddy and not mine. So began my search for mens aproval, every man I came across be it my mothers boyfriends, teachers or friends fathers I was sure to get their attention and their affection.

My mother never wanted to talk about my father or tell me anything, all I got to know was his name and that he was from my hometown. Oh and my mum isn't someone you mess with. I never had the curage to go against her word, never.

From relatives still living there I got to know that he was married and had children, I have brothers or sisters I never met, and that he propably was married before I was concived.

When I was 13 and we were on vacation in my homecountry my mom asked me one day out of the blue if I wanted to meet my father. I wasn't sure but thought that sure, I was curius.

We went to this church and my mom told me we were to meet him at a certain time. We waited and waited but he never showed. That was when I realised that I wasn't wanted! I ment so little to him that he couldn't even bother to show up.

To this day I feel so fooled. I needed to have a male figure in my life. And I have wowed that when the moment comes for me to have children they will have a father, a father that is there for them and loves them.

I'm sure that me missing my father has screwed me up more then I realise, all my boyfriends and lovers have been a good 10 years + older than me. I just can't seem to be interested in men my own age. But I only hope that it hasn't messed me up so much that I won't be able to function in a relationship with a man.
He can't do that to me too!