I was born 1976 in a small town. I have been told that I was a child that was planned, and my parents had tried to get children for ten years before I was born. They had already a daughter, and they wanted her to get a sister ( me ).

I will never be as good as she is. I will never have the same chance to get in contact with people that she has.

I'm 30 years old, and I have really hard to get in contact and keep relationships on a healthy level.

My parents divorced when I was 1½ years old. Daddy was from Finland and mom from Gotland. He moved to Sweden because he met her and they fell in love. He worked a lot, and I think that he had problems with alcohol, wich I have been taken after him from 13 years old.

On all birthdays and holidays, Christmases and so on I was waiting for him to call me. But I was terrified because I didn't have something to tell him.

My mom met another man when I was 2 years old. He became the father I never should be able to get. And I love him because he gave me all the things a child need. He loved me like I was his own daughter. I don't know if he felt sorry for me or maybe he just liked me the way I was meant to be.

I have one memory when my dad came to visit me. That was when I had my confirmation. I was so happy that I hardly could breathe, and once more he came when I finished high school. In working clothes. I thought that I would turn into small pieces because my heart was jumping and I got nervous, I didn't know what to say or think. All of my life I have been in shame, for something that I don't have the responsibility for. I feel shame and guilt because he left me. I thought that I had done something wrong. But I know today, that it wasn't my fault.

He built a new family, he chose them and forget about me and my sister.

Maybe he didn't forget us, I can see today that maybe he had his own shame and maybe he missed us so much that it was more easy not to see us then see us seldomly. I don't know.

I’ve tried to ask him many times, but I get the answer that it was my mothers’ fault.

I have told everyone that some day he will regreat what he has done, and I will not be able to forgive him.

For three years ago he died, unexpectedly.

My world fell apart. I have been fighting with depressions my whole my life from time to time, at this moment I fell so deep that I lost every time and space. I couldn't breathe, or sleep or do something. I just screamed and cried. My physical health was at that time almost so weak that I was thinking about commiting suicide. It was so dark that I couldn't exist.

People tell me, that they think it's strange because I wouldn’t be able to miss somebody, who’s never been in my life.
But that’s why.

The biggest sorrow isn't the love that you have had, the biggest sorrow is the love that you never had. The things that could have been differently if only - he had been in my life.

I am a child in a 30 year old’s body and mind. I have a hole in my soul that I have tried to fill upp with alcohol, cigarettes, food, and other things, just only if I could stop feeling this loneliness for one minute.

My personality have never been good enough, if I had been sad I have laughed and tried to hide. I don't want to feel any feelings at all.
I'm in shame if i'm happy or sad, or in love.

Today I have been free from cigarettes and alcohol in two years, one day at a time.
I decided that I should stop punishing myself - just because he had done something wrong and I will not take the responsibility for his misstakes.

I will live my life, and today I take care of his grave. I gave him what I always wanted from him, and I have forgiven him. Each day I talk to him, and I believe that if he had had the chance to do something different, he would have done that.

God wanted me to be born, and my parents just were the people who brought me here. Every single person has his/her own history, and I think we have a mission to fulfill, before we say goodbye.

Thanks.

1 comment:

Tack för att du delat med dig av din historia. Min pappa är också död, och kanske kan man lära sig ngt och gå vidare av att ta del av andras berättelser. Kämpa vidare och glöm inte att du är unik.