long story, really. but to sum it up; my father has 6 children with 4 different wimen. very different wimen.
im one of his children, in the middle. got 3 sivlings that are older and two younger. My mother and father got divorced when i was 4, I had a really hard time seeing him after that. I paniced when i knew that the weekend where we where gonna go to him where about to come up.

im not gonna write too long. but he have had relationships even in between the wimen he got children with.
he doesnÂ't know when iÂ'm gonna graduate from school and he doesnÂ't know me at all. he dont know what my interests are and he have never botherd to care to ask.

recently or about  a year ago now, I cried on the telephone and said no to making a cv for his new women, he couldnÂ't understand this and hang up on me.
its not about this new woman but the fact that i said no to him for the first time in my life makes all the hard feelings and dissapointsments since i was 4 whirl up inside of me. I had a very turbulent year and i still do.

i called him up a while ago saying good luck with the rest of the children Â'cause you havenÂ't got me anymore.
i dont know where i got the strenght to do that from, but i knew i had to make a choice. it was either to hide behind saying and thinking that iÂ've got a father (altough we havenÂ't got a relatonship) or to end all contact with him. and i decided to end it.

he still affectes me and i think of him every day, feeling miserable. I feel sad, depressed, and so mad that i could kill someone when i think of everything he has done to me trough my lifetime.

and i still think of him since my sister has conact with him and he went to see him today when she was home visiting.
I have been alone in all this, and nobody of us have ever said to him what we think like i have done. he blames my mother of course. saying that what i say to him canÂ't possibly be me.

i hate the fact that heÂ's denying that all this is happening. i havenÂ't seen him for a year. we live in a small town and he lives 15 minutes from me. IÂ've seen him driving in his car with his new woman.
I saw him the other day, driving pass me. he didnÂ't even see me. i was looking, cause i had decided to do it. why should i go look down the ground like im the one to be ashamed? he didnÂ't see me anyway or he was looking away. it was just before school. i had to gether myself to be able to go into school because i could feel that i had teary eyes and my hands where fysically shaking.

one of the things that i feel the most angry about are how this is going to affect me in the future?
i already know im attracted to older men, one of the reasons to why i am could be Â'cause of the fact that i dont have a father.
i need a guy that i can feel safe with, a part of that since i never felt that with him jumping from one woman to another.

i wanna say that when you think you are the weakest you are the most strong. say what you think no matter how he will react. im gonna grow older and stay strong. not too strong, thats no good Â'cause then you might not let other people in.

he is not going to destroy anymore for me than he already has! i think that a lot to myself and i actually believe that it helps. NEVER think that what he has done or are doing to you now are going to affect you in a bad way in the future. i say to myself everyday that i have to do something good of everything bad i have/are going trough Â'cause of him.