I had a great father who was very active in my life until I was nine and my fatherÂ's post-traumatic stress disorder led him to become an alcholic and drug abuser.  He threatened to kill himself and vanished for several months.  Then he would return for a while, create havoc in our house, and then leave again.  This happened a few times before my mother finally kicked him out for good.

Addiction makes people do odd things.  Before my father left one of the times, he conned me out of all of the money I had saved up as a child (which was several hundred dollars, I was saving for college).  I kept it in a little safe so he knew he couldnÂ't just take it so he told me he wanted to buy a ring for my mother as a surprise and that if she would know if he used his own money but that he would pay me back the next day.  I gave him the money and he left.  ItÂ's been hard for me to trust people ever since.

He emptied our bank accounts and all the money my mother had saved towards my sister and I going to college.  And he left us in great debt.  He stole family heirlooms and pawned them to get money for drugs and alcholol.  

We almost lost our house because of him.  My mother would bring home food from the school she worked at in order for us to have something to eat.  My mother was under so much stress that she became abusive at times, but I forgive her and we are close today.

My father will go through periods of a time where he will contact me and then stop contacting me for months to years at a time.  Everytime he remakes contact, I tell myself that I wonÂ't let my heart break if he stops talking again, but it breaks everytime anyway.  

I was in a great relationship for five years,and I ended it because of my own paranoia.  IÂ'm afraid to be left by someone I love again.  Now IÂ'm in a relationship with an older man and I think my attraction to him is because IÂ'm looking for a father to love me.  But I was happier in my other relationship but I know itÂ's too late to go back.

IÂ'm so afraid that I will never find love that I wonÂ't destroy because of the scars I have.  IÂ'm glad IÂ've found people I can relate to.

Thank you for allowing me to share my story.  All of my friends have fathers so IÂ've felt alone with this for a long time.

1 comment:

hi i have the same problem as you have you mabye want to talk with me on msn if you want to??