My story begins with my mum and dad running into each other on an orienteering route somewhere in Sweden. I donÂ’t know if one of them had lost their compass or if their meeting somehow was planned.

All I know is that they all of sudden stood beside each other in the woodland and that they probably were sweating. Maybe they were competing? Maybe they belonged to different teams? I really donÂ’t know this and it doesnÂ’t matter anyway.

Later on they fell in love. They were together for some months. He sang when he heard the radio. And she probably laughed at him. They had a lot of friends in common through the orienteering club they both were members of, and quite often they went to parties together.

One day my dad’s ex-girlfriend called him and said she had seen him together with a new girl on the cinema. She said that she had been following him and that she had watched him and this “new girl” during the whole film; She said she had bought a ticket to a seat three rows behind them.

Then she said that she wanted him back, that she regretted breaking up.

So it happened that my dad said good bye to my mum and went back to his ex.

Shortly after my parents break-up my mum found out that she was pregnant. I was in her stomach and she wanted me.


Then there is a big gap in my story. All I know is that I was born and that I was loved and taken cared of. I grew up with my mum and I was a happy child. At the kinder garden I soon noticed that I didnÂ’t have a dad like most of the other children had. But I donÂ’t remember if this made me sad or not.

I think I was around eight or ten when I first found myself in a position where I really wanted to have contact with my dad. And I decided to write my first letter to him. I didnÂ’t have the address though, and I didnÂ’t really dare talking about it.

Later on, maybe when I was 12, I talked to mum about it. She gave me his address and told me not to expect too much. She said that she had sent him lots of letters and pictures of me when I was younger, but that he always had sent it back, still sealed. I don’t know if this was when I also got to know that he had two other children: One girl, only three months younger than me – and a boy some years younger than me (still don’t know how old he is). I think I sent some letters to him for a while, without any reply.

When I was 14 I dialled his number and asked for “Anna”. Anna was nobody and I knew this, but I had always had this thought that my half-sister’s name was Anna and it just felt funny to ask for her. It must have been my half-brother who answered and he simply said that no Anna was living there. “So what’s your sister’s name then?” I asked.

And so I heard her name for the first time.

The second after the receiver was picked up from another phone in the house. It was a woman’s voice. She said:“I know who you are. You must never call us again.” Then she hung up.

Some time after this I finally got a letter. It was a printed letter, saying that I should give up, stop trying, save my energy for better reasons. Nothing would change anyway. It didnÂ’t even have his signature on. Just his name. Printed.

So I stopped.
For some time.

Of course a lot of things happened. Of course a lot of thoughts were thought. But in a way nothing new, nothing radical, happened until I was 20:

I was studying at the University of Göteborg when I met a girl called Sanna. She didn’t have much contact to her father either and we talked about our situation. One day she told me the story about one of her friends who had been on a kibbutz in Israel when she decided to return to Sweden to find her dad. Shortly after this, he died and she never made it.

I biked home through the park Slottskogen that day. I was sweating when I came home. Before I knew it I had dialled his number. And all of a sudden his voice was in my ear.

For the first time in my life.

We made a deal that day. He promised to meet up with me, if I promised never to try contacting him again.

One week later I saw his face for the first time.

He brought his wife.

I cried and talked and screamed for 20 minutes. Then he was gone.


again


And since then: nothing. And yet, so much.

12 comments:

Hi Maria Well done - i hope you get lots more "good" stories like your own - IÂ'll check you page soon again - Looking forward to seeing the lost-daugters-united stickers all around town - keep up the GREAT work! Best, David

It was touching me. And like I have said before, I am so proud of you and IÂ'm following your story and project online. Good luck!

Hi Maria Well done - i hope you get lots more "good" stories like your own - IÂ'll check you page soon again - Looking forward to seeing the lost-daugters-united stickers all around town - keep up the GREAT work! Best, David

Love and support to my dearest friend, you never stop surprising me! I know in my heart that this will be a success - why shouldnÂ't it?! YouÂ've started it!

I am so proud of you Maria. So proud. You have never told me the whole story before. Now I have read it, and it made me cry. What you are doing on this site is important and totally wonderful. I hope LDU grows to become a global success! All my love to you and your fellow daughters!

I recognize much in this story. We have a father that does not want to have any contact with us! And that is quite hard to understand? If you have re-married and got children and can be with but not with your other children? Maybe we never will know why! When I become a mum someday I will take care of my children because I knom how it hurts to be left outside alone from your father. Best wishes Helene

Kære Maria Jeg græd da jeg læste din historie, fordi jeg fik så ondt af dig og af mig selv, og af alle andre som har skullet udsættes for sådan et svigt af deres egen far. Hvordan kan han undgå at være nysgerrig efter hvem hans datter er, og at føle et ansvar for hende? Hvordan kan den kvinde han nu er sammen med få over sit hjerte at fortrænge hans datter fra hans liv? Jeg vender tilbage til siden her, jeg ville bare lige fortælle dig, at vores historier har mange lighedspunkter, og også jeg trænger til at stå ved og bearbejde det svigt og den sorg.

Hey Maria! We have the same story. You are soo much stronger than me. I also has two sisters I will never met. My question is always; Why is his new wife involved in your realationship with him...? We have so much in common in our story and I hoped I was alone because I didnÂ't think it excisted so many bad fathers in the world.

Finally a way to feel less lost in this situation. For me a reminder of not being alone. With this site I finally could get my boyfriend to understand how big this thing with my dad is. And maybe one day soon I will get enough courage to tell booth him and everyone here my story.

how can they be so cold... they donÂ't even know you. and you have a right to get to know your sister and brother atleast..! i hope things work out for you...

Hej maria. jeg ved faktisk ikke hvad jeg skal skrive andet end at jeg er glsd for at høre din historie selvom den ikke ligner min helt så er der nogele ligheder. jeg har godt nok kendt min far og han sender da også gaver når det er min føzdag eller jul. men han svare ikke på mine breve og svigter mig gang på gang.. så synes jeg du er heldig. ikke heldig på lotomåden men at han sagde hvordan det skulle være fra starten og ikke gav dig falske forhåbninger. hilsen katrine15

Hej Maria! De är sanna som skriver. Jag blev överraskad av att se mitt namn i din berättelse. Jag skriver på min berättelse, det har jag gjort sen du skickade mig papprena om den här idén, men jag fastnar hela tiden, och jag blir så ledsen och upprörd varje gång jag tänker på honom. Vilken grej du har gjort, den här sajten behövs ju verkligen!!! Fatta hur många tjejer som har problematiska relationer med sina pappor. Det vore jätteroligt att höra av dig! Kanske kunde vi ses i Göteborg nån gång!? Föresten, Martina har fått barn, en liten flicka! Kram Maria och tack för den här sajten!! Kramar Sanna