My father is a weak man. He is highly educated, intellectual, respected, but yet so small and weak. I grow up with him and my mother and a younger brother.  We grow up in a “good” neighborhood but I was lonely, so lonely my hole childhood. My mother hit me a lot. At first it was when I did something wrong. Suddenly everything changed. I got beaten up for no reason. At first my father tried to protect me. He protected me in a strange way. It was almost as they enjoyed the drama. They made really big scenes, he hit my mother.

And then my brother was born, almost ten years after me. My mother hit me harder, more often, she called me things, she abused med fysically and psycologoly. I changed, became that fat strange kid my mother talked about. I was really self destructive, had no friends.

OK, this story is just about my mother right? Yes, it is. My father was everything to me, I trusted my father, loved my father and betrayed me.

The scenes became more and more violent. I remembered one time when they spitted in to each others mouth, one time when my mother had a knife and wanted to kill my father with it. I got bigger and more self destructive. I ate a lot of food and got fat and felt ugly. I became a teenager. When I was 15 I went to Jersey on a travel. Something happened. A man assaulted me. I had to call home and tell my parents. My father called me “whore” I think it was then my father turned away from me.

When I was 16 I had a homeparty.  My mother and father was abroad. When they came back, the house was a mess. They hit me and they told me to go away and not come back.

I didnÂ't live home for a year. We tried to have family therapy, but my father denied the whole story.

Suddenly I saw my father for what he was – he was mean and false and really weak. Well anyway, I grew up. It was hard, I was hurt, but I did it. I survived and now IÂ'm a proud parent and IÂ'm married to a wonderful man – the total opposite to my father. I have really tried to get in contact with my father, but it almost felt like he wants to destroy everything some times. He has really bad values sometimes and he can be a real rasist. He hates communists and he has a big hatred to women. I try to accept him, I swallow, but it feels like he wants to make me sad and angry.  I never talks about my values, but I am a feminist who hate rasism and my political values are to the left. OK he wants to upset me.

I recently came back from a tough couple of hours with my father and mother. Sometimes it feels okay, sometimes it feels like today. I feel sad and  I wonder why? Why doesnÂ't he wants to be close to me? Why does he despice me? How could he despice his own daughter?   I care for him, I donÂ't want to do it – but I do. I have changed a lot. I almost never fight with my husband. I bring up my daughter without threats and violence. But off course it hurts a lot sometimes.