When my mother was pregnant with me, my father was unfaithful with the neighboursÂ' wife. I donÂ’t know for how long, maybe it even started before my mum got pregnant?

Now I am 22 years old and my father is still married to that woman. My father got one more child, after me, with her. I think I hate his wife more than I hate my father. Of course he did something wrong but his wife is the one who prevent me to meet my father.

I remember when I was six years old; I was at my father place to celebrate my baby sisterÂ's 3 years birthday. All the time when I was visiting him, I felt sick and he hade to drive me home to my mother. I felt like I was in an unknown manÂ's house, I felt like a UFO in their home.

When I was 8 years old my father and his new wife divorced. My father came home to me and my mother to see me. Now he didnÂ’t have anyone to stop him. Then it took about five years until I saw him again:

I was thirteen and wanted to find my background. Me and my mother took the car and drove home to his place. At this time, he had re-married his wife. In that autumn I was there every other week, and the weekend before Christmas theyÂ’ve said that they would call me after New Years. This was nine years ago and I havenÂ’t heard from him since then.

Even if my baby sister lives with both her parents I feel sorry for her too, because she has almost never met me, our older brother (who my father got eleven years before me, with another woman), her uncles, and grandparents. I donÂ’t think sheÂ's had an easy time.

About one year ago, I was thinking a lot about my father and I came to the conclusion that he isnÂ’t my father. He is not worthy being called my father. If he doesnÂ’t want anything to do with me, I donÂ’t want anything to do with him.

Sometimes I can sit for hours and think about him, and sometimes I think I love him. Another time I hate him. I hate him for what he did to me, but I really donÂ’t know why I feel I love him, I donÂ’t have any reason to.

For all time I have been thinking about him, I wonder if he thinks about me. Does he think about how old I am today, does he wonder where I am and where I live? I have about a thousands unanswered questions.

In 2001 my grandmother died, I didnÂ’t have the possibility to go to her funeral. I know my father and my baby sister where there. Does it have to happen something like that just to meet my father? I think we never could repair these years. I donÂ’t now if I want to meet him, what would we talk about, how do you summarize 22 years?

It took long for me to understand that he would never come back. At first I couldnÂ’t understand it, and I was depressed because of it, then I was angry. Why did he act the way he did? Why couldnÂ’t he be there for me (and my older brother) in the same way as he was for our baby sister?

Now I donÂ’t think so much about my anger to him, rather my fear for men. What about if I get married to a lovely man and we get children? And then he leaves me? ThatÂ’s one of my biggest fears. I donÂ’t want my children to go through the things I had to go through. But if it turns out that way, I will be there for them and tell them my story.

And even if it doesnÂ’t turn out that way. IÂ'm going to tell them all about it. IÂ’m sure they will ask about their grandfather.