I havenÂ't had a real good contact with my fahter since I donÂ't know when, if I ever had! But we all do think sometimes Â'it canÂ't be worse than thisÂ', I did think so to, tiday I know how wrong I was, how stupid I were and how easy I forgive him. He have never take hand on me, he have never try to use me sexually, he have never hurt me, physical, but he psycological he have hurt me more than anyone else, than everyone else in the world together.

It all started when I was five years old and my parents get in to divorce, they moved to separate places, and in a couple of years they both had new partners, for me it was hard to understand Â'why canÂ't mum and dad live togehterÂ', but I got used to it.
It were after my father and his new woman got married and had their first kid it all started to fall, when our contact started to fail.
Every second week we were supposed to be at his place, and the rest of the time we were living at mums place.
In the begining it all went well, but after some months you started to give us (me and my little brother) reasons til why we couldnÂ't come, things as Â'we are having a coldÂ', Â'our car doesnÂ't startÂ' and things like that. I donÂ't remember much of this time. The one thing I remember the most is when I were ninw years old and wanted to take my life because of you, I stood there on the window frame and were just about to jump, in my head there only you and all you did to us! The thing that made me to not jump were mums words Â'he isnÂ't worth it, he isnÂ'tÂ', that was what she told me all the times when I cried over him. And he isnÂ't worth it.

This went on til I was 13 years, and me and my brother were supposed to stay at his place for two weeks, in the begining it looked like it could work, we came that sunday, and it went well til the friday, when by some reason dads wife became angry on my brother by no reason, and on saturday morning, dads wife, without reason, said that she coundnÂ't stand that we were there, so dad called mum and mum came to pick us up and I didnÂ't see him in three and a half years, or well, I did, twice together with my welfare officer, but I donÂ't take them as I saw him, cause he didnÂ't look at me a single minute of those hours!

Today I have no contact with him, he tries once a year, but I have dicide that I wonÂ't have contact with him til I healthy, cause today Im bulimic they say, and they might have right, I know that if I have had someone that saw me I wouldnÂ't been in it!
So as long Im unhealthy, there is no father in my life!