My mother and father was together for the 3 first years of my life. I have vague memories of waving good-bye to him and crying when he left in his red car. My mother told me once that at the age of 4-5 i looked at her and asked "mommy, when is daddy coming home? he has been gone for so long now.." my mother just choked on her answer.

On very sporadic occasions my mother and i travelled to my father and i often talked to him on the phone but never really felt that click, like he was proud of me. Often he tried to get me to go to the schools he wanted later in life, but as i was a very resolute young lady with my own ideals it never really came down to the point when i listened to him.

At the age of 12 was the last time i saw him for several years. He met a new woman that he later on married and they had 2 sons and i've always felt that he loved them more then me because he never left them, they got to grow up with him as their rolemodel. Even thou i know now in adultlife that it never was the case you really dont think like that when your a teenager. My dad came to visit me once when i was 15, my grandfather had died. That didnt really improve our relationship either because grandfathers death took a very high toll on my father.

So we lost connection totally. I didnt go to visit my father and he didnt do anything to stay in touch with me either. I thought it was for the best, i still had my mother so i was quite happy with the situation but always carried a feeling of emptyness inside. Like i was never good enough. When i graduated my mother had gone into alcoholics and finally my dad made a huge move forward and did a really good job on guiding me through our accual hard time, together. He still had a child with the woman and i guess he felt for me, seeing as i struggeled with the feeling i was abandoned by both my mother and father. This was the first shivering step we took together, but it was still to be years before we developed a accual relation to each other.

Again it went years before i saw him again, but this time around he could call me out of the blue just to ask how i was. And that was something i was just not used to, but i liked it. I've been and visited him on several occasions and he has made some tries to ask for forgiveness in his own kind of way and i cant help to love him.

Recently i got married to the man in my life and he was there for me, my father, just as he was there when i graduated. It meant the world to me. For the first time i can remember i saw pride in my fathers look, so i guess we are moving in the right direction. Althou, still we dont really have that father-daughter relation i'd like us to have. Maybe we never will.