Nathalie, 37
Submitted Jun 17, 2008
Have met my father Nathalie has met her father
Decided to not stay in contact Nathalie decided not to stay in contact with her father
My father has a new family Nathalie's father has a new family
It feels like I'm the only one in my circle of friends who has this experience. My dad didn't excectly leave me. I was a product of a one-might-stand in 1970 but the relation between my parents has always been hostile. I met my dad for the first time when I was 15. Since then it's been an endless battle to restore some kind of relation. Sometimes I imaginewe made it, but then 2-3 weeks later it's like we've never ever discussed the matter. E-v-e-r-y-t-i-m-e we've met since I was 15 he just HAS TO tell me "the story" on how I was concieved and how my mother "tricked" him into getting her pregnant "to get a flat" since singel mothers at that time in Sweden got a flat before everyone else. He also everytime has to tell me how he never wanted me but...."of course today he's happy that I exist". Ok, my mother is not an angel, quite eotionally disturbed but I can't have this talking down about her evrytime we meat. Goddammit it's been 37 years now. And I've been in the middle "understanding" everyone I've told them both to shut up and that I don't want to listen to those stories anymore. It usually lasts for let's say 3-5 months....then it starts all over again.

I am truly a lost daughter. I have no dad who loves me, I have a very estranged contact with my mother (they are both VERY self-centered, impossible to really "speak" to, to reach), I have no siblings. To top it all, my mother is today religious and celebrates no hollidays so every holliday I am totally alone. Totally. No phonecalls. Nothing. Noone calls me on my birthday (apart from friends of course). My dad STILL don't get it when I'm born. He always thinks I'm born 28th of Dec 1968 when in fact I was born dec 30th 1970. And Im his only child!!!!!!! How the HELL can one forget that? I hide it at work because I feel ashamed and ugly for it. Noone understands it so there is no point telling.

How has it affected me? All my relations go down the drain all the time. I feel so so so ugly inside and therefor I compensate it with being extremely fit, clean, smart, attractive, intellectual (I'm a doctor), finanically independent, just anything to deserve love. I emphasize all those outer features to be "deserved" to love, but still...noone does. I'm just a plaything for men. No matter what I do I end up being abused and dumped. I am 37 yo, goodlooking who shpuld have her life in front of her. Noone understands why Im single but here I am. Mo children, wich I would love, no parents who care or calls me. No partner I can feel refuge in. I see no way out and I've started to think of suicide more and more. Life is so unfair. I have tried and tried with all kinds of therapy but the problem must lie with me. Anyone else feeling the same?
4 comments:
Nov 10, 2008, gabriela wrote:
my heart goes out to you!! i have felt the same as you. i'm 38 and also fit, intelligent, successful. you actually realize what i did not until last year, that i was trying to "deserve love." when i realized that i was so shocked! Now i can see that every person, including myself, deserve love just because we breath. there is value inside me just because i am. but most importantly i did go to counseling every week for 14 months and it did change me. i feel like i can love now. i'm not "strong" anymore. i'm "weak", i'm open, i'm true to myself. this has allowed a wonderful man to come in. he knew me before counseling and he has been shocked my how much "softer" i am.

anyway, i can't see you nathalie, but i'm sure you are VERY lovable. i'm sure that you would be very easy to love just because you are.
Oct 08, 2009, Gert Svensson wrote:
Hello Nathalie. I am a reporter working for Insidan, Dagens Nyheter, Stockholm. I would like to make an interview with you. May I ask you to call me or send an e-mail so that we can talk? Thank you!
Gert Svensson
Dagens Nyheter
070-620 10 57
gert.svensson@dn.se
Feb 23, 2010, rhonda wrote:
Hej N!
jag vill bara säga att jag känner igen mig i det du skriver, du är inte ensam...
Hoppas du hitta någon lättnad sedan du skrev detta.
Kram R
Feb 02, 2011, fyrre wrote:
Hello! I read your story and I have a similar bound to my father. I'm a documentary filmmaker from Finland, and planning to make my examproject in form of a documetary about daughers who have bad memories and stories about theirs fathers. Of course all the persons in the film can be anynomous. Would you be interested in sharing your story to the world? please contact me if u are! best regards Eva Fyrqvist