My father wasn't the "famliy man" type I'm told, and sadly, by the time I was seven and living on the other side of the country from him, he had died. I had met him only a handful of time before I was 2 years old.

This fact didn't come to haunt me until I was in my early teens, at which point I began obsessing about knowing his family and trying to understand who he had been. When I was 21 I began a search for his family by mailing a letter to every person listed in the United States with the last name of Wholley - it's unique enough that I figured someone would know who I was talking about. I did eventually find his family, however, I was born out of wedlock and was told "we all have our own families now."

I also discovered during my search that I had a brother, who I met and stayed with part of one summer, but our relationship didn't adhere and we've been out of touch for over a decade now.

In my early 20's I met and fell in love with "the one," only to finally discover that I had some deep rooted issues from feeling abandoned and rejected by my father. My relationship ended and I got into therapy.

Shortly after my 30th birthday I had my daughter, she's now almost five, and I'm raising her alone. Her father lives less than an hour away and sees her less than once per month. I'm worried for her and want to be both parents for her. I want to save her from feeling abandoned or not good enough or not loved, and yet I work so hard just to provide for us that by the end of the work day, I hardly have anything left to give her.

It breaks my heart that she may grow up feeling the way I did. I wish there were some way to repair now, the effects of her father not being involved will have on her later.


Abra Cooper
Eugene Oregon USA

2 comments:

I grew up without a father. He left my mother alone with me and my one year older brother. In fact, he left us even before I was born. My mother stod there by herself with a one year old son and pragnent with me.
People might thought that we would be badly growth because we just had one parent. But in fact we had the best!
Because all you need is LOVE. And our mother gave us all her love, and she did the best she colud do. And thats all you can do to your daughter. I bet you are a great mother and that you love your daughter very much, and thats all she wants from you.


We all do our best. Keep on fighting.

Best regards from a lost daughter from Sweden :)

Its a shame that this will be passed on to your daughter when she has a perfectly good father who is willing to spend time with her.  Perhaps the issue is not the father not willing to participate but the mother is so insecure and obsessed with the need for control that it makes it difficult to be a father.  At some given time, a parent has to let go a bit and let the child explore the other parent.  In this case, the father is not detrimental to the child so why not let him spend time with his child.  It will be the best thing you can do for your child.  As you have already experienced, you will never be both parents. If you could, you would not have the feelings that have now.  Food for thought.