My name is Deborah and I moved from Borgholm to Kalmar in August last year (2009) for stúdies in Kalmar. I grew up with my mum and dad til the age of 7. Then my parents got divorced and both of them found new partners. I got to decide who I wanted to live with and I chose to live with my father. We moved from MörbylÃ¥nga (where we lived when I was little) to Malmö, where heÂ's new one lived with her son who was 3 years older than me. I started third grade in a school down there and got some new firends.

The christmas came and I went to celebrate with my mum and Lasse (her new). I met my best friend Martina again and we had fun toghether. But when it was one day to my travel back home to my dad, he called and said that I should stay with my mother now instead. He even said it to me directly, I havenÂ't forgotten. He said that we werenÂ't to have any further contact and that I should stay with my mum. It came as a chock to me I think. But I didnÂ't want to show my mum how sad I really was so I built up emotions inside instead that came out when I grew older.

I remember that I use to blame myself for it, as children might do. I were quite tricky with the food and in my heart I thouht that I could be handful. So I thought that had something to do with my dadÂ's decision to abandone me like that. It only made my feelings worse, because I couldnÂ't tell anyone how sad I really was, because after all it must have had something to do with me.
As a teenager I became quite angry with my dad instead, thought of him as dead to me, it was more easy to handle I think.

But when I turned 17 my dad called me, after 8 years silence from him. He never sent me any birthday cards, never wished me a happy christmas or even called before.8 years is a very long period when youÂ're growing up, it was like another lifetime to me. And then suddenly he called. Not to say that he was sorry, but he wanted to have contact with me again. That came as a chock to me as well. I was still so angry with him, but somewhere inside the sad 9 year old girl woke up. And she was quite emotionally messed up.

Today we still doesnÂ't talk that often with each other, but IÂ'm not that emotionally messed up anymore. I later learned that my grandmother had called to my dad and threatend Ingrid - she wanted me to stay with my mother. That doesnÂ't defend his actions. I could have accepted if he still had contact with me during those 8 years. But they are forever lost, I know and accept that now. We have a better bond now, but I still feel abandoned by him sometimes. ThereÂ's still a 9 year old girl inside of me who is afraid to be abandoned again. I felt that he chose his new family over me. I have 2 halfbrothers now, who I never met. But I hope that I will one day.

My dad and his family moved up in the north of Sweden so itÂ's a very long distance between us. I met him one day when I was 18, which IÂ'm glad that I did. Nowdays I considere myself to be lucky. My dad is still alive - my best friend lost her dad in a heartatack and heÂ's never coming back. I still have the chance to make up some for the lost years - the lost daughter to him that I still considere myself to be to him.

I want us to have more contact, I want to meet his family epecially my half brothers. I donÂ't have any other siblings. The oldest one is about 13 now I think. I still wonder how he could allow himself to act that way towards me, but I now know that the anger I felt only was a way to handle the sad little girl inside. I donÂ't want to be angry anymore, thatÂ's not a good feeling. I donÂ't want go through life being angry with my dad - afterall he is still my dad and IÂ'm glad that I have one. I know that he loves me, he tells me and writes that to me. But itÂ's still difficult to understand.