the other day I read about lost daughters in a danish magazine
oh what relief.. never thought that my problems with myself werent "enough" to be something others would "accept" ... maybe its not the point to be accepted.. i dont always have to seek other peoples accept of who i am, i am a loveable person and somebody loves me..
today, i have 2 wonderfull kids that are the most important in my life..
and my husband..
not once i have wept... of happiness.. that i have found such a wonderfull father to my kids, being aware of that he will never abandone them is the gift to my children that i am proud of..
what that lady in the magazine did for me.. she did that i felt that i was not alone.. and she made me feel that my lack of selfconfidence is not rooted in that i am a bad person. but in something that my parents didnt manage to give me..
she made me feel that even though i am not perfect.. i am still worth something.. of course my man told me so many times, but it is something else when a person that just know how you feel tells you that.
my father was 17 when my mom had me, she were only 19 herself. once she told me that i was suppose to be aborted, she might didnt meant it as to tell me to hurt me, she were just explaining me that she were in doubtof keeping me.. but that is something that burns though a childs vulnerable soul.. my father didnt wanted to accept being the man who made my mother pregnant, so for many times we went to the hospital so they could do bloodtest on me.. he is my father.. though he never gave me something, neither materials or love or acceptance of any kind.. i accepted that long ago, i think.....
so i made a pact with myself, i wont let myself be hurt of my father again, i wont let my kids grew up without a father.. i dont care of my father..
the feelings came back when i had my first baby, my father called to tell me that he wants to keep in touch with me so he wont grew old lonely, i said yes.. though everything in me said where were you when i needed you? now that you need me you want me..
so sometimes he contacts me or his other kids do.. i do politely let him see the kids sometimes, or i answer the texts they send me.. but i dont wait for him or contact him myself, i dont care if i ever hear from him again..
this proces, recognizing my feelings, like shame, is something i have to do in order to be a good mother and to be good to myself, to once be able to tell myself that i love myself, i am a loveable and strong person, thats why i joined lost daughters, not because of my father or ... the man who once spend a night with my mother once..