So well,
It all started with me one day sitting on a swing at my daycare i was about 5 i think.
I saw kids with their fathers - and  just wondered why can't i have that..i remember feeling angry and hurt inside like this empty space inside my chest just opened. - i guess it's always been there i just didn't allow myself to feel that.

Then i asked my mom - why don't i have a father ?
And she told me the story of how i was made.
She was on a holiday  whit her friends and she met my daddy working at the hotel.
They began to flirt and BAM a summer fling.
When she came back to Sweden she was pregnant.

She did try looking for him in 3 years never heard a word from him.

It broke my heart when i heard my mom say that.

I was always so angry and sad thinking about him, how could he do this ? Am i not good enough to be his daughter ? ..

In so many ways i tried to "connect" with him as i kid.
Like reading about his culture and religion, just to sort of fill in the missing piece of something i never had. It never worked for me.

I just really for him to just on day stand out side my house and....just be there.

I blamed him for so much - it's his fault that my childhood was a nightmare. I still believe that things would have worked out better if he was around.

I'm empty inside - and i can still hear that little 7 year old girl crying after a daddy that will never show up.


I'm still angry because a big part of me is empty.
I really would like to see him only once have that fatherly hug i never got.


I guess all i can do is hope for that day to come.